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Though love of yours can never be mine
Thy memories will always be here
You are the sun of the day;
    the moon of the night
Thy hands are the ocean; 
     touching the shore
     raging the deepest of the Earth
Thy body is the wind that the leaves long for

You are soft
You are beauty
Beauty is you

The stability of your heart like the ground that stands

You are the endless song that fills my entity
     the flower that blooms when morning breaks
     the dew that tickles the freshness of the morning

You are you
the beauty within
the life there is
the cause to my mortality


a memory of The Lost Diary, 
1995

The Lost Diary

How do you stop to love and start to live?
How do you start to forget?
How do you unlearn to ride a bike?

When I was younger, I was invited by my Language subject teacher to be part of the school paper, who also happens to be the moderator and over-all in-charge of the newspaper publication. I attended the screening session and found a number of interested people like me. We were then asked to write something about ourselves and cover any topic we'd like. This would help her, my subject teacher, gauge our writing skills and decide on what post best suits us. When the results came out, I was assigned to be the Literary Editor. I was surprised. Shocked even on some level. What would someone like me do in such a posts that I have never even been at least an apprentice of? What talent or skill do I need to make sure I work effectively in that post? What just happened? What was I going to do? I had no idea at all.

Writing is like a river
You know it springs from somewhere,
     But spell not exactly where
You know it leads to the ocean,
     But never can contain it

I didn't know how to start a poem or what the perfect words were to make a literary piece right. I didn't know where to get the ideas. I didn't know how to tell a story. But if there's one thing, I know I can feel and there is that something inside of me that needs to flow. 

So i take a pen and a piece of paper, and started to write everything that I feel. There was just me, a pen, and a piece of paper. It was a world inside of me. And the words found its way to the pen, and the pen shook hands with the paper. And the paper, he talked to me as how an old friend would. He told me things I thought I knew and he told me things I never knew. He was honest, and he made me cry. He was my console, and he just sat on the table. 

The words may never rhyme, but all in time
     Will be just fine
When you find the words to say, say we may, 
     Say it nay

I never knew there was a part of me that was untold, that was repressed. My moderator, she saw it. She read between the lines and for short moments during our reviews there was a bridge between me and her in a different world; she can see me as I am. So it was.

Goodbye,
Why do you hurt so much...

It was the last year of our stay in Elementary. A last work. No, not work, but rather a last piece as Literary Editor. I remember the title, it was 'Goodbye'. I gave it may all; the words I couldn't say, the fears I have, and the pain I feel. It was goodbye to the younger years, goodbye to happiness, and goodbye to love. I was young and foolish. I needed to be loved and not to feel alone. I needed to belong as we all do.

The song played...

Time passed by and changes walked with me. I have learned new things and have met new people. I have been down and been up. I have been bent, and have been firmed. I have been good and been bad. I have been lost and then found. I am far different from the ugly duckling I was back then. I have grown to be someone my past would have been very proud of. All those years, I have kept my diary of Literary pieces. For every moment in my life, I have shared with them, my silent friends; a pen and piece of paper. 

It broke my heart to one day find my friends consumed by nature and time. All the years lost. Why? Why? Please No. I have forgotten them in the past years, and just when I am bridging the past to the future, I find myself lost again. I wanted to share them to the world, every last word in it. Regrets. A part of me died and is mourning.

As you live everyday, there comes a time when you live a lifetime in a single moment... 

But this is not how my friends would want me to be. If they could talk to me they'd tell me to 'Move on, make a new story. Remember us in many ways.' The past no matter how beautiful or unpleasant they may have been, will always be a part of us. But we cannot live in the past. We learn and we move on, and we carry with us memories. Each moment is precious because it will never happen twice, as the present is as well. The words may be lost, but the feelings will never be...

How do you unlearn to ride a bike?
How do you start to forget?
How do you stop to love and start to live?

You don't. We don't. Live to love, then you love and live. 

Dear 1Z 4Y 1X 5W 1V 4U:2

I have never believed in living only once. You live everyday. As you live everyday, there comes a time when you live a lifetime in a single moment... 

Single
In a relationship
Engaged
Married
It's complicated

These are tags created by society to define our relationship status, but never for us to confine who we are or our happiness. Today is a day when happiness is abundant; colors of red, flavors of sweets, and scents of  flowers. Love and happiness is not just for those who belong to someone but for everyone who has a heart that can feel; for those who by themselves are complete, for those who are longing and hoping, even for those who are breaking yet believing that one day love will find its way. It is a day for those of us who are crazy enough to give without any in return, to give at the risk of heartache. You and I, are crazy-enough people doing things to make our feelings known no matter what the outcome is. Today is all and of a chance, a take on what tomorrow may be.

The sun is so warm, and the cool wind blowing. It's magical. When I close my eyes, I see you next to me. I feel you.

Just when I thought the day couldn't get any better, there was you. A face without a name, a name without a face. Yet in my heart I knew, you are here. More than this, there is you. More than I am, I am at the top of the world; like a child with his first slice of cake, the sun in the fresh new morning, the moon sitting on a birch. I find myself here, found and lost at the same time. 

The world stopped revolving.

That moment when the background goes blurred, and the camera moves around slowly while the leaves dance with the wind. There's me and a piece of you...

In time it will reveal...

While I have shared the happiness to those who have witnessed your gesture, while everyone else's curiosity you have sparked; it leaves me to myself that only time can truly tell where the road leads. Worry not, and keep the memories instead. Today, you have that piece of me and a mark on me, as I am with you.

May you find what you're looking for and may my notes bring colors in your days ahead. I pray that you will have time to visit. 'Tis a remembrance of a day in my life.

Happy Hearts Day 1Z 4Y 1X 5W 1V 4U:2 from the bottom of my heart. 


Ever grateful,

Cup of Hot Cocoa

Every Beginning Has An End and to Every End A New Beginning

We all begin from somewhere. Just like fairy tales, the stories in our lives begin with 'once upon a time'.

I remember the story of a boy who never wanted to grow old thus he lived far, faraway to Neverland. There with the Lost Boys he never grew old, everything was a playground, no doubts, no worries, just fun and the adventure, until the boy met the girl. The world was as never bright, as ever colorful. But the girl, the girl had to leave because she belongs elsewhere, she had to grow old...

I would always wish to remember the story that way; open-ended. I never wanted to know how it ended but yet; did the girl decide to stay and fight for love, did she return home and left the boy? It could be that the girl returned home and aged, with the boy staying young and visiting her from time to time?  Or did the boy decide to grow up and leave everything behind?

Even the best stories can never be the best without their endings, every moment not precious without its boundaries in time.

I am writing this because it is the only place I can completely be honest and allow myself to be vulnerable. It is the one place I can be alone but never lonely.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all..

Once upon a time, there was a story of two indifferent people. This is a story about love, but not your ordinary girl and boy love. It is the dream of a boy who believed in true love, who wanted to find true love just like everyone else. A boy who found true love. But he was a dreamer, and he forgot who he was. And just like a dream, one day your bound to wake up.

... i never believed in happy endings because true love never ends

But what if the ending was never meant to be happy? What if the girl and the boy decide to part ways because they are individuals; does that mean it was never true love? What if it hurts more to be in that relationship knowing that you cannot be someone he wants you to be; does that mean you loved him less? Can it not be because it is the right thing to do, it is what's fair? Can it not be because you can no longer give anything more? Can it not be that you lost yourself in it?

To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you just might be that whole world...

It was beautiful. It had its ups and downs but nevertheless, in any and every way, no less than beautiful. It was beautiful then it still is beautiful from this stand point. Does it hurt? Of course it doesn't! What a silly question to even ask myself. I think something just got into my eyes. Let it be for what it was worth.

To every end, marks the dawn of a new day.

Many things have been said, many things done. Some right, some wrong. To dwell in that wrong is not me, that is not the person I want to be, that is the person I need to leave behind. I have learned the good and have done the bad. For everything in between, I need to forgive myself. For the things I have kept and for the things I failed to say, I will whisper it to the wind and let go of it all. For whatever pain that may linger tomorrow, I will take it one day at a time.

Tomorrow will be very much different, for I have to remind my heart and mind of the reality that I am awake. I fear not whatever stumbling block or hurdles the rest of the days will bring, for they too shall come to pass. There will be sunny days and rainy days, but for both I will always be thankful. I know myself today better than from any yesterday. To be happy with what I have and don’t have is to live each day with contentment and simplicity; it was never complicated, we just made it so.

While I change the clothes in the closet and do some general cleaning, I will hold each item for every memory they present for one last time. And in the next few hours as I listen to tear-jerker and mushy love songs, I will be packing my bags to take on a new journey.

Until the roads cross again, for now… I love you, Goodbye.

An Affair with September

Dear September,


I have never met a month as crazy as you. Was I expecting it? Yes, but not as much as you did this year. We did the silent walk again that only you and I will ever know. You kicked me at my worst and kicked me harder at my best.

I will always be thankful to you. For you bore my two siblings in your cradle. Just the thought of that is like drinking a Mojito; a base of excitement mixed with anxiety and nerve-wreck on what to get them, plus a slight hint of tears to knock you down without being aware until it all suddenly kicks in. I love them both and I couldn't see myself as a better person without them. We may have differences, but those differences made us appreciate each other more. We often misunderstand each other, but that didn't mean we cared less. I have raised my tone many times, kept that tough face, stood on top of my mountain; all against them. Only to later hide and shed tears knowing and believing that I had to do it because I love them that much and that as much as it hurts, I had to. If it broke their hearts, it broke mine ten folds.

I love them that much not to be happy with myself.

Many times I would say 'I love you, bro.' and I mean it the most on their special days. I thank you September for making sure the messages are sent.

September, you showed me what it was being in a relationship with you and with the people around me. I've seen people paving the way for me, I followed and found ease in those paths. They were leaders by their own rights. They gave a different perspective on what is beyond, what tomorrow might be, and what I can do today. They were friends. There were people who stood by my side even when the odds were against me. I saw these people who raised their glasses to success and to failures. A toast to failures, for me to know that I am still human and that I am not alone in my struggles. They too were friends. Then there were those who stayed at my back; those behind me. They did not deserve to be there, but they chose too. They were the best of my friends. They were there to catch me every time I fell, to give a push whenever I slowed down. They were there to watch my back as I kept my focus straight ahead.

I have little friends, but they are in every sense, true friends.

September, this affair has taken the 'love-and-hate relationship' to a different level. You are an extremist in many ways. I was sad and lonely because I had to do it alone, yet you always send someone tumbling down the hill to make me smile and walk with me. I was so tired but am surprised to still be going-on. You gave me reasons to be mad, but then you gave me a reason to be happy; once is more than enough.

I'm on the last leg of our walk. I will see you again after 11 months. Until then, keep our stories in your heart and forget-me-not.

Thank God.


With all my loving and strength,
Happy JP


PS
I have no idea what happened on the 25th.